Back to the 90s
I am fat. I don’t like it, but I am. My weight has been a struggle throughout my life. At the age of 18 my weight reached a first peak at 112kg. That was my “I’ve had it” moment. Not eating much anymore, and going to the gym everyday for 2 hours, I lost 26kg in 4 months. My life changed completely. I was more confident, I felt better, and I was more active. I was 86kg, and I felt great. As time passed I let myself go a few times and went through three more transformations. I ran half a marathon, gained muscle and tried a lot of different ways of exercising and eating. And despite ups and downs, I never let my weight go above 105kg again but at the same sime, I never got below 90kg again either.
Flashback to post corona. The lockdown is over, and we can have fun again. I find myself in a new relationship, and I am happy. But I’ve also gained some weight, and remained inactive for a while. With good intentions I start exercising again, but now I’m older, and my body doesn’t respond the same way it did when I was younger and I am impatient. Pushing my overweight body to run 10K again and lift weights like I used to, I injure myself. I get a hernia in my back, and I am forced to stop exercising for a while. I gain more weight, and I am not happy with it. But I don’t do anything about it. I just let it happen.
But life goes on, and I get used to my new weight. I am not happy with it, but I am not unhappy either. I have a good job, a loving partner, and a nice home. I am content. By now I am 34 years old and my wife and I are expecting our first child. I am excited, but also scared. I want to be a good father, and a strong responsible husband. I want to be there for my family. But I am not in the best shape and it affects my mental health. Despite this feeling, action is not taken. On the contrary, I happily indulge in the snacks and treats that my wife craves during her pregnancy.
Fast forward to today, I am 36 years old, and I weigh 121kg. I have a beautiful daughter, and I am a proud father. I bought a house with my wife, and I have a good job. But still I often feel like I am not good enough as a father, husband, and person in general. Childhood bullying and teenage years of being overweight have ingrained the belief that when I am not in shape, I am not good enough. I know it’s not true, but it’s hard to shake off. But rather then letting it get to me, I want to use it as motivation to get back in shape. I want to be a good example for my daughter, and I want to be able to keep up with her as she grows up. And I want to be me again. The me that I was when I was 86kg. The me that was confident, active, and happy.
The first long term goal is to get back into the 90s. Away from the triple digits. And so my journey begins.
To be continued…